Treasure Island 3: Piracy And Ship Logic

Treasure Island: Actual Piracy

(WARNING: There will be some SERIOUS ship lampooning here.  If you're a shipper, read at your own risk.)

Luffy, Zoro and Nami were walking deep in the jungle, clearing away thick shrubbery all the while.

Nami was busy spraying bug repellant on her. "I swear to God... if any bugs land on me, I will tear this entire place down root by root!"

Luffy stretched his arms out. "Ah... this reminds me of when we were treking in the jungle way back when we met those giants for the first time!"

Nami convulsed in agony upon hearing that. "Ugh... don't remind me..."

Zoro added, "Oh, and remember Jaya?  Yeah, there were bugs there as well."

Nami's fist was right in front of Zoro's face. "Say another word about bugs again!  See what happens!"

Zoro replied, "Go ahead and hit me.  After all, it's not like that'll do anything, so-"

Alas, the punch landed.  Nami then sighed. "Okay... I think I'm good..."

Zoro rubbed his head. "Okay, I deserved that one."

Luffy looked around. "The locals around here are pretty crazy!  Do you guys really think there could be treasure here?"

Nami bluntly replied, "Luffy, I'm walking around in a jungle, spraying bug repellent on myself, and Icame here with you two.  Do I NEED to answer that?"

"I'm gonna take that as a yes." Luffy said.

Zoro looked around. "Talk about a crazy island.  And with bounty hunters sprawling around as well, who knows what we could see?"

Eventually, they came across a chasm.  Luffy said, "Okay, we need to find a way across."

"What's a chasm doing here in the first place?" Nami asked.

Zoro climbed a tree. "Don't know, don't care." He then reached the branches. "By the way guys, I found some fruit up here!  If you guys want, we could stock up!"

"Good idea!" Nami replied.  She turned to Luffy. "What do you think, Luffy?"

Luffy looked at the tree, then at the chasm, until an idea popped up in his head. "I figured out a way we can cross the chasm!" He stretched his arms to grab the top branches. "Zoro!  Grab some fruit with you!"

Zoro sweatdropped. "Luffy, what the hell are you doing?"

"Everyone, grab a hold of me!" Luffy shouted.

Nami grabbed the shoulder. "This isn't going to be fun..."

Zoro slid down the arms and grabbed the other shoulder. "So... what now-"

"GUM-GUM ROCKET!!" Luffy slinged himself, Zoro and Nami all the way across the chasm... and conveniently crashed into a random treehouse.

Nami stood up, rubbing herself. "Ow... that was painful..."

Zoro brushed himself off. "So... where exactly ARE we, anyways?"

Luffy looked around. "I think we crashed into someone's house."

Sure enough, there was a twin sized bed, a stand with a mirror and Transponder Snail, a trap door that led down to the jungle floor, and a rack that held several woman clothing and a few blades.

"Whoever lives here sure doesn't stay here a lot." Nami noted.

"If I had to guess," Zoro said, "the person here is a bounty hunter, and a local of this island."

"But who would wanna live on this island?" Luffy asked.

That's when a curly haired brunette entered. "WHY ARE YOU GUYS IN MY HOUSE?!"

Luffy and Zoro turned to face the chick, who was wearing short shorts, and a bra. "Let me guess." Luffy said, "Lisa, right?"

The bounty hunter brunette put a shirt on in front of Luffy and co. "How did you guys even find this place?" Lisa asked.

Nami sighed. "Luffy launched us all the way over a chasm.  Conveniently, we flew all the way over to this treehouse."

That's when Lisa asked, "...how?"

Luffy grinned. "Check this out!" He stretched his face into crazy shapes. "See this?  I ate the Gum-Gum Fruit!"

"He's made of rubber." Zoro explained. "Apparently, rubber is broken in this world."

"So you... slinged your body... to my house." Lisa said bluntly. "What's stopping me from turning you guys in?"

Luffy answered, "Remember our bounties?"

Lisa slumped back. "Shit, you're right... well... fuck me then."

"WOAH!!  TIME OUT!!" Luffy, Zoro and Nami backed up, crossing arms.

"LANGUAGE!!" Luffy shouted.

Zoro added, "There might be children reading this!"

Lisa sweatdropped. "Oh God... I slipped, didn't I?"

Nami downed a beer pint that magically appeared beside her, and answered, "Yeah, so take your swear words elsewhere, you f*cking bitch!"

(A/N: The reason I censor words is not to be more PG, but rather to literally screw with you guys.  Take that, you fucking bluenoses.)

Missing the irony of the Author Notes, Luffy then added, "YOU TOO!!"

(A/N: Ah, shit... not even the A/N is safe!)

Lisa finally spoke up. "I'm sorry... but the 4h wall was just nuked right there."

Luffy replied, "Well what about the treasure on this island?  Is it even real?"

Lisa sighed. "Look: I've lived here for 4 years now, and not once did I ever see any gold lying around.  All I do is beat up the rookie pirates that come my way."

"Well is there anything else going on around here?" Zoro asked. "I'm kinda itching for a fight right about now."

"Nah... well..." Lisa said.

"Well what?" Nami asked.

Lisa pointed to a volcano. "See that volcano?  One of the tallest volcanoes of the Grand Line.  The crazy thing is that some schmucks have recently been spotted around the place.  And unless I was drunk that day, I might have seen some kids as well."

Zoro piped up. "Are you serious?"

Luffy asked, "What's up, Zoro?"

Zoro turned to Lisa. "Did you happen to see a girl with black, scraggly hair, a cheesy grin, and something of a wolf-ish form?"

Lisa turned her head and thought, then looked up. "No on the wolf from, but... there MIGHT have been.  I dunno, I was wasted."

Zoro turned to Luffy. "What if you had a sister out there, and she was younger than you by a few years?"

Luffy replied, "A) I'm pretty sure Grandpa Garp would have to me about her of that we're the case. B) That would be quite nice, actually. C) I'm not sure if it would be a good idea to leave her on the main crew.  You know the dangers we run across all the time, right?"

Zoro sighed. "Yeah, I know that.  It's just... that chocolate REALLY screwed my shit up.  Seriously, I was tripping balls so hard that I could have sworn that you had monkey parts." He turned to Nami. "You were more Kitsune-ish." He then added, "That same girl was apparently a part of our crew, and went by the name Monkey D. Aika." He then finally exhaled. "And you two were intimate lovers, along with, apparently, me and Robin."

Luffy and Nami both laughed their asses off, with Nami saying, "Oohohohoho... Me, and Luffy, being a couple?  Ahh~!  That made my day..."

Zoro took a swig of beer. "No, I agree with you.  I think that chocolate was part meth when I was dreaming about that stuff."

Luffy then asked, "Wait, I thought you only imagined yourself as a sick guy.  What happened?"

Zoro explained. "Ever since me and Nami got wasted on my birthday, I've been having these crazy dreams about a different world of ours.  You know, a dream world where the craziest things are possible.  For instance, Usopp being a ferret man."

The three began climbing down.  Luffy said, "Actually, now that you bring it up, I've had a strange dream as well.  Remember when we smashed melons?"

Nami groaned. "Luffy, next time you say melons, add the "water" suffix, alright?"

Luffy held a thumbs-up sign. "You got it."

Zoro then said, "Naturally, I've decided to talk to Robin and Usopp about this stuff, Robin because she's just that awesome, and Usopp because he's gifted with the arts."

"Speaking of Usopp and Robin, where are they?" Nami asked.

Luffy replied, "They're all the way back at the beach with the others."

Zoro sighed. "Speaking of the ofhers, they don't really change that much in the dreams I've had, though Eyebrows always gets left in the dust when it comes to the crazy... shipping..."

All three of them shuddered. "Who would want to be a part of that...?" Luffy asked aloud.

---

"I WANNA BE A PART OF THAT, DAMMIT!!" Sanji flared while standing in the water.

Sanji and the others were on the beach, waiting paitiently on what to do next. "I mean, why can't those dreams have ME score with one of the ladies?" Sanji asked.

Usopp replied, "Because then, the integrity of the crew would be compromised for the sake of the "lovers", and we don't want that."

Chopper was building a sandcastle. "I don't know why you're so worried about that, Sanji.  We all lcare about you, ya know."

Sanji sighed. "I know... and I really DO see you guys as my bros sometimes.  It's just women that I react differently to, since I never HAD any sister figures in my life, or a motherly figure."

Robin spoke up. "Speaking of sister figures, I would have never thought I'd fill that role for the navigator.  Or, for that matter, the captain."

Brook said, "Well I don't know about you guys, but I'm all bones!  So that makes me the dirst grandpa who kicks ass!" He then turned to Robin. "By the way, would you mind showing me your panties?"

Usopp punched Brook on the head. "COME ON, BROOK!!  NOT RIGHT NOW!!"

Franky came back from the Sunny. "And done!  I managed to somehow store the huge crab into a cold area, and I refilled myself on cola.  So, did anyone learn anything?"

Sanji shook his head. "Nothing on my end."

Robin spoke up. "I suppose we should walk around, then." She then added, "Did you guys know that the bathhouse is heated by geothermal energy?"

Usopp perked up. "Really?  What made you say that?"

Robin pointed to the tall volcano in the distance. "Call it a hunch, but I believe that something fruitful might be located in that volcano." She quickly added, "No, I do not refer to the fruits we need to stockpile for Thanksgiving."

Sanji stood up. "What's taking Mosshead so long?  What, did Luffy let him lead instead of my precious Nami?"

Usopp bluntly replied. "Oh come on.  Not even Luffy is dumb enough to do that twice... in a day."

Nobody said anything for 2 minutes.

That's when Franky said, "You know what I think?  This world where we're all animal-ish people is pretty neat and all... but still, I like expressing my opinions here.  You know, there's never anything wrong with being a big burly guy who's also a genius."

Robin tossed a book to Franky. "Name the book, and the of."

"Moby Dick, and it's essentially a tale of a sailor who joins a whaling crew led by this Captain Ahab.  In it, they eventually meet the Sperm Whale Moby Dick, who once heavily injured Ahab, and vice-versa.  Ever since that time, the two have been arch-rivals for the longest time now." Frankly answered. "Oh, and there's plenty of chapters filled with trivia about whaling as a job, whaling as a life cycle, whale biology that outdated calls whales a kind of fish, etc."

Sanji applauded. "You know what?  You guys are right.  We're all bros. here, right?  Because that was awesome."

"You know..." Usopp said, "it's occurred to me that we haven't once done any major piracy." Noting the random groop of crooks, she asked, "Mind rectifying that?"

...

The crooks were tied-up, beater, and were being pushed to the dock of the not-overly deep beach."Alright guys!  Time to walk the plank!"

Robin began to sip on a bottle of rum, granted not too much. "Well then, yo ho, I suppose."

At that moment, Franky pushed the group into the water. "Is that it?" Franky asked? "Maybe if they were Devil Fruit users, that would be cool."

The "crooks'" ended up being a couple of Marines.  Immediately, this caught Robin's attention. "Why would Marines be here?" She asked.

Usopp walked over to the Marines in question. "Alright guys, spit it out!  What's going on?"

The captain of the group explained, "Well... let's just say that we've seen some pirate activity going on... you filthy pirates."

"Ouch.  That hurt." Sanji said flatly.

"Also, women suck." The Marine added.  He was kicked all the way into the jungle by Sanji as a response.

"TRY SAYING. THAT AGAIN, YOU BASTARDS!!" Sanji flared.

Robin stood up. "In any case, I suppose we should begin hearing into the jungle now.  Knowing our captain, he's probably entered some amusing scuffle with some of the locals."

...

Amazingly, Luffy's group was still on the topic of the crazy dreams Zoro had.

"OTP's?" Luffy asked. "What are those?"

Zoro shrugged. "Eh... I really don't know..."

Luffy then said, "Sounds like they'd be these teepies shaped like ovals!  Ooo!  Maybe we're in Indian territory!"

"Indians, hm?" Nami asked. "Well.  This is interesting.  So fans are trying out new ways to implement culture into these stories?"

(A/N: Sadly no.  OTP's are not oval shaped teepies.  They're instead One True Pairings.  Don't ask me how that's supposed to make sense.)

Zoro rubbed his head. "I need a goddamn drink... maybe some rum..."

Conveniently, they ran into a bar in the middle of the jungle. "Huh..." Nami said.

Both Nami and Zoro took a seat. "One pint of beer each, please." Zoro said.

A bartender popped up. "That will be 80 Berries."

Nami handed the man said amount of money. "Well.  That was cheap."

"You think?" Zoro said.

After they both downed their pints, Zoro walked over to Luffy. "Alright captain.  I'm good."

Luffy pointed to the volcano. "LET'S GO TO THE VOLCANO~!!"

At that moment, the volcano rumbled.  The bartender spoke up. "Don't worry about that volcano there.  It's not going to overflow lava right now."

And so, our group of heroes kept on walking until they ran into something they didn't think they'd see.

"Is that... a giant Transponder Snail?!" Luffy asked excitedly.

To Be Continued...